I miss somebody fighting for me. I have missed this since forever. I have this contradictory feeling that on one hand my boyfriends do some favors to me inside the relationship, but they never fight for it as ‘proper’.
I am away at the trip and I miss texting with my boyfriend. I know that when I text him I will have to wait a day or two if I get a response at all. So I have stopped texting him. It is a lonely feeling. A feeling which I have had for a while. I keep telling to myself that, there are other things to care about in the relationship, such as my boyfriend bringing me hot tea in the bed when I am ill. Somehow, this still does not erase the painful feeling of being in non attached relationship.
My boyfriend, as I have discovered, has a great allergy against someone telling him what to do. He can do favors for me, but only when he feels like it. When I ask him for a hug or for bringing me some soda from the shop, he can get angry. The child in him starts to protest- you are not going to tell me what to do.
So why do I feel lonely? Because I feel, he is living his own life. His life does not contain me. Sometimes he includes me, but I feel he does not think in terms of we. He thinks in terms of himself and then when I protest, he adds me to the picture.
I feel hurt and somehow left behind. I see all these couples where partners and husbands are extremely family oriented and want a great life for the family and I feel this pain. I know that my boyfriend is a good person, but will he be a good family member? He likes his independence, he likes to do what he wants and he does not like to take into account anyone. To add, he likes to call me out on doing things differently than he does- not doing them the ‘right way’.
But then again, I have never felt really in the relationship with anyone. Not in a traditional sense. I always felt that there was a wall between me and my partner and that my partners really enjoyed their freedom. Am I creating these situations? I have no idea.
What comes after the abuse? 