Seeing the relationships from the perspective of another

For the past days I have ruminated over if I should contact the guy that ghosted me about one year ago. The reason for that was mostly because it was an intense connection, unlike anything I have ever felt before. After quite a bit of emotional turmoil I have reached to the conclusion that I should leave the dead in peace.

I obviously still had some emotional entanglement to him. What I discovered through my soul searching however was something I think is a valuable lesson. Namely, I was seeing the relationship solely from my perspective out of the values I had. From this perspective I thought that this connection was something worth fighting for because it was so rare and so deep. I guess what I realized was that this is my view and that does not necessarily mean that he never felt that way. It means, he had other priorities.  Accepting that someone can feel for you, but still decide to leave is not something that comes easily to me. My first response would always come out of my absolute romantic standpoint – but how could they ever leave something like that?? They must have not felt all this after all, I must have imagined that.

So what I learned was that he made a choice at this moment and he at least at this point felt that this choice served him well. The fact that he still has not contacted me, means that he still believes that either it serves him well or he simply does not have the courage to reach out. Both are bad for me. The first one needs little explanation, but the second one…..See, lets entertain the possibility that he did have as deep feelings as I did and he still does. Lets assume he regrets going away or at least thinks about reconnecting…The fact that he is actually not doing it, still illustrates the difference in values. Or perhaps I should say continued difference in values, as I would have probably not ghosted someone in the first place.

So I guess, what I am realizing is that people can put different value and importance to relationships and especially relationships to me. They can make their choices based on other factors. But if they do have different priorities, reaching out to them will probably not change it.

So I guess I have accepted that what might have felt like a connection of the life time might have as well been the connection of the life time for both of us. That does not mean both of us will have to choose this above everything else or choose this at all. It is a bit of an odd one as I am not quite sure I know how to word the whole experience yet, but I assume I am getting there….

 

How self hate can be good…

It has been a while since my last post and I have mainly been busy with both work as well as with therapy. So today I thought I will write a bit about something which I am currently working on. Namely anger towards oneself.

Self hatered actually makes a lot of sense and is a perfect protection mechanism. If you were a child that was unfairly punished and had to deal with a lot of parental behavior which did not make sense to you (because it was never about you), then learning to hate oneself was probably the only way to gain some control under such circumstances. See, admitting that your parent is unfair and is unleashing their own issues on you would have made you very vulnerable. Suddenly you would be admitting that you are living together with an irresponsible sadist (at the extreme). It is much easier to believe that there is indeed something wrong with you and you have somehow caused your parents anger. I mean then you have at least some hope for change….

There is however a drawback. It is not like hating oneself is easy or nice….It will probably make you relentlessly trying to change yourself. I mean, I have invested my whole life into self development, pushing myself to mainly be someone else. The problem was that whatever change I did achieve, it never really made me feel better about myself. Quite the opoosite. Each change was just a testament to how this feeling of self hatred never left. But, heyyy, at least I felt like I was in control. But with what price…

So now I am starting to accept the fact that I was never in control and this has created some serious anxiety. Admitting that the punishments you received were random and somewhat sadistic must have been one of the most difficult things I have done in this life. In a way, my self hatred protected me till now from this absolute feeling of lacking control.

The bottom line is that I assume that like for me, for a lot of other people, self hatred was very functional under the circumstances they grew up in…