So there are quite a few articles on ghosters deeming those people lacking respect for others, lack of morals etc. I am not necessarily arguing with this, but as with everything there are two sides to ghosting. Every relationship, no matter how short lived, has two people shaping the relationship. If someone ghosts you, it is utterly unhelpful to curse the other person and paint yourself as victim. If this happens with you more than once, it seems to denote to a pattern in your behaviour. So what kind of pattern?
Since I have now been ghosted twice I am in the process of making some conclusions about my own behaviour. Although I have been ghosted only twice, there have been numerous guys I crushed on who did not respond to my feelings and I still kept hoping. In the event of ghosting we actually got into a more romantic relating but it was short lived. However, I think the habit of crushing on guys who obviously did not feel that way about me and unwillingness to let go are clear pointers to my problems.
So….I lack self-respect to accept the word no. Instead of just accepting that either guys are not interested in me or what I want, I just somehow convince myself that they are not ready to see their feelings, they are intimidated by my insightfulness or whatever. The two guys that ghosted me were sending me clear signs that they were not interested in anything more than just a casual relationship or flirt. Granted one guy was not really vocal about it and confused the hell out of me with his behaviour, but that should also be a sign. If someone cannot make up their mind about you do you really stay and try to convince them that they should want something more with you?
It is somewhat scary to discover that the message I have been broadcasting over the years is that I lack self-esteem. In all these occasions I wanted to convince someone to like me who either did not like me or did not like me enough. From the opposite side, when someone has tried to endlessly pursue me and I have already rejected me, it either freaks me out or just makes me look at this person with pity. I assume that the objects of my affection also saw me in the end as somewhat desperate.
Now my ghosting cases are not as clear cut because obviously both guys had feelings for me. However again, my willingness to put up with their ambiguity clearly sent a signal that I don’t value myself enough. If you keep sending this signal long enough, the other side is going to be less and less interested because they will see how little value you put on yourself.
This is a sensitive topic for me because I do not value myself highly. Never have and still don’t. Realizing how everyone around me can see it freaks me out to a degree. I am not sure how long it will take to fix this though. It might be years and years of work still to be done.