I have always held this deep belief that there was something fundamentally unlovable in me. Low and behold multiple experiences with guys who were not all that smitten with me did not help with it. I translated these experiences with these guys always in one way – yet another proof that I could never be loved.
There were multiple reasons why these guys were not smitten by me, but I always gave them one interpretation. Some guys I did not even like that much, but in the moment of break-up it all became down to me thinking I was unlovable and trying to hold on to the relationship as strong as I could. It was not rational and on several occasions my former partners indeed saw that there was no point in attaching oneself to the bad relationship.
But then there was another thing. I subconsciously sought out guys that had problems with vulnerability and intimacy. You know the group of people – for them feeling their feelings seems either threatening or promises to bring about many negative feelings from the past. So they have decided not to feel.
Normal people do not date people that are blocking their capacity to feel. Normal people don’t think that if they just put in enough effort, somehow their unemotional dates become loving partners. I dated these guys and spent enormous energy in trying to convince them that I in fact was worth loving (not that I actually believed it myself).
So what did I do? Well, people pleasing is the most common pattern…but then there is also achieving and proving your value through being good in everything…but then there is also the kind of power dynamic where both sides know that you are the one that needs this relationship more….And whoever needs something more, has to make sacrifices, right? I mean, if you are dependent on getting their love, you better make it worthwhile for them to be with you. And then of course you have these awkward moments where they have again showed you their lack of emotional involvement…be it then by telling you that they are not sure if they love you….be it by suddenly disappearing and reappearing…where your natural instinct should be to walk away….albeit people that do not think they are lovable instead try to fight harder to get the love of a person that has shown them that they don’t love them.
This is a highly tumulus circle and let me tell you…if you feel unlovable inside, you are not going to choose a loving partner. I mean – there has to be something wrong with a club that accepts me as a member. You choose someone who is ambiguous at best, but at worst looks down on you for trying to win their love.