During last years I have spent countless times accusing my boyfriend for not providing me safety I need. Do not get me wrong, my boyfriend is a rather unreliable person who has sometimes considerable difficulties keeping his life together. Nevertheless, as I advance in my therapy, I am also starting to take more responsibility for my anxiety. In my ideal world I would still have some strong and reliable guy taking away all my issues regarding safety, but I do understand that this would put me into dependency position which probably is not that desirable either. Oddly, I am pending between two extremes, one part of me wants to break up with my boyfriend to find someone more stable, the other part is so afraid of loneliness that it absolutely dismisses the idea.
I do understand that no matter what my choice, I will have to face my anxiety issues. Somehow I have put myself into situation where my anxiety flourishes- in a foreign country, with unstable job, with an unreliable boyfriend. What could be worse for someone who is mortally afraid of the unknown. If I am trying to see the positive side of the story, it is that now I cannot but work with my fear of loneliness and my fear of not being able to trust myself.
I have never liked basing my decisions on my fears, perhaps this is also the reason why I have ended up in such a weird position. The most courageous deed I have done was breaking up with my ex for whom I migrated at the first place. Granted, the decision was probably not the wisest at this point, but it was no doubt brave. I just wish that we could get some medals for bravery in this life.
Some self-help books advocate facing one’s fear, suggesting that after numerous times of being faced with it, it gets easier to take. I disagree. I have done nothing else in my life than faced my fears and I think very little movement has been resulting from me simply facing those. Rather, most of the movement has been the result of my therapy- understanding the underlying issues behind one’s fear and then trying to comfort the fearful parts. This is the strategy that has helped me to almost overcome my social anxiety and I sincerely hope that soon it will also help me to conquer my fear of loneliness and fear of dysfunctionality.