My abandonment story

As a child I experienced pretty much all my caretakers leaving me, some intentionally, others unintentionally. My father never showed particular interest in me as in not responding to my birthday cards and in generally ignoring my presence. After him my mother had one other relationship with a guy who also disappeared from my life. My mother was emotionally unavailable and concerned mostly with her own needs. I spent considerable time at my grandparents place when I was young. My grandparents unfortunately died before the school so then I was left to my friends place whenever my mother needed to travel, which was at least twice a year.

When I was still small, my mother left for a foreign country for one year, leaving me first with my grandparents and then later taking me with her. While I was in the foreign country my mother got a serious illness and was predicted by the doctors, to die. I spent all the time with my nanny, believing that I will be left all alone in the world.  Luckily my mother survived, but at this point all my basic trust to world had been demolished.

I am struggling hard these days to trust people, to believe that they will be there for me. Somehow I have been also looking for similar experiences, so with all my exes I have endured some kind of abandonment. It might also be possible that since I am so sensitive to the issue, I blow things out of proportion. The bottom line is however, in my life so far, I could not be sure of anyone being present. Maybe the earlier abandonment of my childhood would have been forgotten if my mother had not been using abandonment as a way to discipline me. Under several occasions I was kicked out of home with the words: “I do not want to have you here anymore. You are not my child and do not even consider going to any of your friends, because I will find out and punish you. ” During these moments, spent on the street, wondering what to do next, my last pieces of trust got lost. I cannot even say that my mother was a total monster, she was occasionally very good to me. It was just that her attention and periods of goodness never lasted and were damn difficult to predict. I just felt constantly on the edge, as if I had to behave so that I would not be kicked out of home again.

So there you are. I struggle with the last piece of the puzzle in my therapy- my abandonment issues. I have started to believe that I am a lovable person, I have started to believe in my own value, but I still anticipate everyone betraying me. I can still see myself on the street curve, not having anyone, not having any home. Can I find my home finally in the future, can I feel safe in the world?