I thought, I will write a post on what I want to achieve in the next year, but it seemed like a list of things where I am still lacking. So, instead, I decided to focus on what I have actually accomplished during this year.
This year has been messed up. As in really, really messed up. I met someone I thought was close to being my soulmate and I lost this person. I broke up from my six year relationship. I guess those were the two main themes from this year. So what have I learned?
I guess I have become more independent. I am still vastly dependent, there is no question about it, but every time I visit my home again, I feel more independent. I have relapses. I have moments of great fear, but overall, I can think about the coming move to my own apartment without trembling in fear. I somehow have become to believe that eventually I will manage.
I also know that loss will not kill me. Chase died in August and it has been only four months. I am doing so much better than one month ago. In fact, every month I am doing better. I do not blame god, I do not think world is deemed, I just somehow remember him with kindness. For me, he is not dead either, because he will to a degree always be part of me.
Breakups, especially when you live together, are long and messy. There is no such thing as clean breakup. You are bound to have second thoughts, you are bound to tell to your ex how you miss him. No relationship is so doomed that you could easily let go (at least this is my opinion). When I looked at my ex, I see someone who is equally confused. I see a person who once loved me and still does and this to me speaks volumes about his character. On the other hand I also see someone who just cannot be present in the relationship to the degree I want. Maybe it is my unreasonable demands; maybe it is his lack of commitment – who knows. I know that I and ex had a deep connection and that will probably still be there for a while. It was not one of those superficial relationships where you act a role, no; my ex touched me to the core. I believe I did challenge him to the core as well.
The changes in life make you question who you are, especially if you are going through therapy. Too many changes and you might end up like a headless chicken. I think I am going through a headless chicken phase right now where I have no idea where to turn for support because well, there really is no viable source of support.