I have become to understand that I suck at dealing with my emotions. Somehow I have lived my whole life so far without ever fully acknowledging the fact that emotional regulation is something which I never learned. It really is a skill.
Instead my emotions are some odd variety of strong but not deep. As in I have dealt with quite strong emotions my whole life, but they have been exaggerated on a more superficial level. It sounds weird as I am trying to explain it, really…but lets explore further.
I have always had various crutches which I used in order to handle my emotions….Like buying stuff….like dramatic expressions of catastrophe to my friends…..or simply getting drunk. But you know I feel like even as I was expressing my emotions to my friends, I never really expressed the real, deep, underlying emotions…it was always some sort of an upper layer.
I think there are two reasons for that. First, I probably mostly did not even know what I was feeling. It is difficult to communicate if you have no idea what you feel and why and if you have tried to avoid your feelings your whole life. The second reason, I think, is because for a long time I avoided putting myself into situations where I would feel too much. Like I would avoid the real intimate connections because losing them would hurt too much. I subconsciously knew I would not be able to handle the pain. I don’t think I was wrong there.
So I am opening myself up to the dangers of real world and noticing how terrible I am in dealing with my own emotions. Furthermore, noticing it just makes me freak out more as I am now intimately aware of not having full control over my emotions and not being able to deal with them in healthy ways. So yeah the whole emotional self-regulation seems to be a new topic for me and I am guessing that if you have used bad strategies (eating, drinking whatever) your whole life, it really takes time and effort getting it right.