I looking for someone to make me feel loved. There it is. I know I should not do this and I also know that all love begins from yourself, but nevertheless, I am like a hungry hound trying to get the most out of a bone. Using this anthology is especially meaningful, since I seem to look for love from the wrong places- as is common for someone who has had a troublesome childhood.
It makes me very sad to see how I have been treated in the past by my partners and my friends (I am not going to comment on how I have treated them, because there is nothing exemplary there either). Nevertheless, letting go these people hurts, because as a hungry hound, you really do not want to let go of the bone, even if maybe there is somewhere delicious sausage. You are instead hoping to get more out of the bone.
I have no idea why my relationships seem to end in similar place where I feel judged and not loved by my partners. I can assume that partially it has to do with my own bias and partially with the kind of partners and friends I choose. I have recently noticed similarities in between my ex best friend and my boyfriend. Both seem to have very little trouble in criticizing me nor making me responsible for our relationship. That being said, of course both have series of positive traits as well. However, taking also into account my ex partners, I seem to attract critical people who are not sure of the relationship. Even though I over react to their criticism, that does not make their behavior OK.
So as I am uncovering the layers, I am understanding how hurt I have been about all this. How desperately I have sought after someone who would provide me acceptance and love that I never had. The unavailable guys, that I am longing after are there to symbolize this yearning for absolute acceptance and love- a myth that would be quickly destroyed, would I ever get to the relationship with them. Obviously no one can compensate for the kind of unconditional love that I missed and no one will ever love me the way one would love his/her child. Therefore, my expectations for relationships are misguided as well.
What I am currently still struggling with, is to find out how misguided my expectations exactly are. Am I exaggerating by condoning the behavior of my boyfriend? Have I pushed him to non-commitment? These are all the answers that I am still looking for.