For most of my life I have hoped to find happiness through other people. You know I hoped that the perfect partner will make me happy, that I would actually not have to work hard for my happiness after this man of dreams will knock at my door. It felt easier. My life felt just like waiting for this perfect love, waiting to start living my life.
For those reasons, I did not dwell so much on how I could create the life of my dreams. Yes, I had hobbies, yes I even studied hard, etc., but I think most of it I did in order to somehow perfect myself for this man who was going to show up.
Letting go of this idea of love healing everything is….well disillusioning. Furthermore, realizing that the idea of your partner making you happy is shared by so many people is even more frightening. Not only am I learning how to make myself happy, there is even a likelihood that I have others around me who expect me to make them happy.
The discovery that kind of struck me today was – most people around me are in fact less happy than I am. They are less happy with themselves. Many of them still expect others to make them happy and spend time complaining about that not happening. Their focus is not on how to make themselves happy, but they shift the responsibility to – how others are making me unhappy. Because it is easier. It is easier to focus on the mistakes of other people rather than to admit that you are responsible for your own happiness.
Once you reach to that realization it is not exactly freeing. Rather you feel the weight of responsibility. Suddenly if you are unhappy it is your job to figure out what makes you unhappy and fix it. It feels exhausting. The first reward comes from observing other people going around circles blaming others for their inner lack. This is when you start to feel slight empowerment and get a sense of achievement.
Unfortunately I have not yet reached further than this point, so I cannot really say what happens after…..