So apparently I have spent my whole life feeling and believing that there was something wrong with me. You know I always felt like somewhat of a misfit wherever I went. I spent good part of my twenties believing that if I look hard enough I will find some environment I belong to. Then I spent other part of my twenties addressing this feeling of misfit in therapy never quite understanding the deepest reasons for it. I feel I am finally getting it….
The thing is I never felt like others around me….They always seemed to find it easier to manage, to adopt, to work for their dreams, whereas I felt like there was some deep seated reason as to why I will never be like them. Almost like there was a reason why should have never been accepted to this world….
I have not yet explored the core reasons for feeling that way, but I suspect they go back to my mum comparing me to everyone else and finding me lacking in every aspect. She even regularly told me that she wishes X or Y would her child and that I should have never been born. So I am guessing there is quite easy connection to be made there…
But interestingly I never acknowledged the amountof self-punishment in me. Namely I punished myself for believing that there was something horribly wrong with me. I found different ways of punishment starting from eating disorder and ending with pinching pimples. It all felt satisfying. I know it must feel pretty bad as you are reading it.
I never really fully understood that this was one of the main issues. I just thought that if I spend enough energy to be like everyone else, I would somehow escape this feeling. This included trying to become what several ex boyfriends wanted me to be. I thought that as long as I am what they want me to be, I cannot be wrong or dysfunctional because someone else approves of me. Well I mostly failed because, oh surprise, you can never fully become what others want you to be. However there are different ways of interpreting the situation and of course I chose the one that entitled me feeling bad for myself.
So this is my current struggle….facing my feelings of wrongness and admitting that I have felt defective my whole life….