I notice myself ending up in similar situations with my two last boyfriends. I notice struggling with commitment and at times their unwillingness to commit. I notice certain bitterness as to me having to put in more- do more work. This bitterness is soon replaced by more desperate question- why do they not want to be with me fully? What is wrong with me?
Surely the bitterness about me having to do the chasing is just a defensive reaction, meant to protect my fragile self-esteem underneath. I do not want to feel unwanted, hence I demand to be wanted. I make demands to my boyfriends. I want to make them commit.
Unfortunately it has not happened yet that someone will be convinced and forced into committing. Well, OK, that is not entirely true, there are millions of marriages where one side was not overly joyous to commit, but the bottom line is that there are consequences to forcing the other side.
I, too have made my ultimatums, I have tried different strategies- waiting, pleasing, becoming increasingly controlling etc etc. I have to admit that in the end, none of these well though through strategies work. They did not work with my ex and they are not working with my current boyfriend either. It takes some self-restrain to distance oneself from these strategies and see the real problem underneath.
My real problem, of course is, that I am so vulnerable to what these guys think of me. Furthermore, I choose guys that are hard to catch, because somehow, catching them should prove my value. I am chasing guys in the relationship in a similar fashion as I am chasing them outside of the relationship. I take a bigger responsibility for initiating commitment, making it work, getting real. Needless to say that this causes, as I mentioned resentment and most importantly, nobody cares about my investment. My bigger investment does not make the guy with some commitment issues want the commitment more. It does not make him realize what an asset I am. If anything, it helps them to lose respect in me.
So, as to now, I will try to get my self-esteem in place. I will try to refrain from question- why does no one want me and instead ask the question- are they worth wanting. This however, will be something new and different for me and I also assume a very difficult transition to make.