So, I have spent quite a lot of time recently thinking about my previous relationships as well as my work experience. By relationships here I don’t only mean romantic relationships, although I am going to use those to exemplify my point.
So, I have been recently ghosted by two guys. I hate to admit this but in both cases I was hoping that the guy comes back. In one case I was pining over him for one year thinking we had something special. This kind of pining is nothing new for me. I have done it several times before. I am guessing partially I engage in such behaviours because it is safe. I mean if the object of your affection is far enough he cannot hurt you right? But partially it has been because I have always felt that these guys were something special, that we had some special connection, it is just that they had not realized it yet.
The thing is, even if we had something special, I was totally willing to look past the obvious lack of respect which was shown to me upon their disappearance. I think I have also done the same with friends….You know you are this one friend that keeps contacting others and they never contact you…I always thought that there was something wrong with me for ending up in such situations. In a way there was…me thinking that somehow I needed to convince others to hang around me. Me thinking that I needed to show to some reluctant friend or partner that I am really worth spending time with.
The thing is, I cannot imagine someone else trying to win my approval like this. I think it would probably be off-putting, someone thinking they have to jump through hoops to spend time with me. But this is exactly how I have functioned most of my life, thinking myself was never going to cut it – I needed to put in special efforts in order to keep people around. And I did. And it never quite worked. Mind me, being me is not yet working well either, but at least I feel less disappointed when someone rejects me.
I have always felt that it was me being judged and not me evaluating whether other people are fit enough to be my friends or partners. I never thought I was even in the position to choose. And no, this is not one of those posts which describe how bad I was and how I have miraculously recovered and now apply selection process upon other people. That would be a lie. It is never such an easy process. However I have gotten to the point where it makes me sad to realize how other people have treated me over the years.
My conclusion thus far is that it is also about the treatment I was willing to accept. I would have willingly taken back those guys that ghosted me just because they came back and it somehow boosted my self-esteem. It would have not been their luck to get me back, but instead my luck to have them back. I would have felt validated because they decided to return after all. Rationally I am starting to understand that this is the main problem in my thinking, but oh boy, emotionally it still feels like nothing is wrong in this mentality.
So overall, I know rationally that I accept subpar treatment, but it will be quite a struggle to get there emotionally….