I grew up in a single mum household with a mother that was struggling with uncontrollable anger. Her anger would usually not translate into physical violence, but rather psychologically crusesome ways to torture and punish me. However, the of the post is not to in detail describe my mother’s methods of lashing out but rather to discuss one of the consequences stemming from growing up with someone with anger issues. I also do not think that having a parent with anger issues is the only way one can struggle speaking up…there are many ways…one can be bullied at school, suffer from older siblings telling them that they are the smallest and therefore have no right for opinion…you name it.
The bottom line is that it has always been very difficult for me to defend my borders and speak up for myself. I pretty much imagine that either the other person will lash out in extreme anger and let me know how outrageous my demands are or that they will leave without saying a word.
Naturally even the most people pleasing individual at some point experiences the feelings of – it is enough. Even if people-pleasers are prone to blame themselves extensively, there are certain limits where it seems obvious that it is not their fault.
I have spent years practicing standing up for myself. I have also found that there are better and worse ways to do this. The worst way is potentially lashing out yourself…especially if you are someone who is naturally afraid of alienating people. The best way I have discovered is just communicating your feelings and suggesting to discuss potential compromise. In such way the other individual does not feel attacked…
The problem is, if you are afraid to speak up your mind, you are much more likely to opt for the first strategy. It is likely you hold things inside for so long until you cannot take them anymore and then….well. It is a weird tension that people-pleasers have there because through holding back and trying to be nice all the time they gather tension within themselves which ultimately leads to them lashing out and creating what they are so afraid of….conflicts and tensions and potential withdrawal.
There is also a certain gender bias here which I have had to deal with. Namely some guys seem to immediately see me speaking up for myself as me being ‘overly emotional’ even if the speaking up is done in a calm assertive manner. The other possibility is that they simply ignore my requests showing me that me speaking up had no consequence what so ever. Some women on the other hand tend to play victims or get insulted, as if my borders have somehow directly violated them.
It is hard dealing with these emotions if you deep down just want to be liked by everyone. It should not be the case that people actively dislike you after you draw borders, but let me tell you, fairness has nothing to do with it….There are a lot of people around that are extremely uncomfortable with both, hearing the word no and also facing their own mistakes in given situation. These people will get upset…they might even unfriend you….they might become vengeful on you….they might lash out to you and project blame on you. It takes an emotionally balanced individual to handle your borders. Not everyone is.
Often times when people that have been previously people-pleasers are encouraged to speak up for themselves by therapists everything seems to be taking the turn for worse. It is likely that others that are unable to deal with self-assertion and borders are likely to seek out people-pleasers. Hence poor people-pleasers now get an extremely biased view that everyone is bound to get super upset if they say no or draw borders….Actually no. In a long run, you want to minimize contact with people who get upset on the face of your borders (well given that you have communicated them respectfully). It is a lot of work to deal with individuals who are self-centred enough to assume that the world should work according to their rules and needs.
What comes after the abuse? 