I am not a very average person. My weirdness or specialness goes to the extent which motivated my ex to tell me that he has never met anyone like me or even comparable to me. Part of my recent struggle has been to accept and embrace this individuality.
See my whole life I have heard everyone scolding me. No, it was not only my mother who clearly wanted me to be more practical and organized, but it was also teachers, friends and what nots. One of my friends for instance recently criticized me for prioritizing talking in a relationship, I think her exact words were something like – “Guys do not want to talk, you should just accept this, you are living in a dream”. My ex, whereas he noticed my being different from everybody else somehow also wanted me to be more like him – more logical and fact oriented namely.
When you are raised with such continuing criticisms, it is easy to feel that something is wrong with you. In fact this is how I have felt my whole life. I have spent years trying to deny and change who I am with varying degrees of success. I still struggle acknowledging that I, in fact, am dreamy, unpractical, a bit messy and unorganized and all the other things which our society seems to condemn.
It pains me to acknowledge that some of my closest people, while obviously finding something in my company which they liked, also spent considerable amount of time trying to change and retrain me. I am starting to realize that I have looked for understanding and support my whole life. I have been looking for someone that would see more in me than just this broken thing which needs to be somehow fixed.
Last year, whereas painfully difficult, has luckily sent me also some people who were able to see the gifts I have before I was actually becoming aware of those. Chase, in particular was someone who saw something in me, something more than I ever did. His belief in me started this process of changing. Jenny, one of my recent friends, has been another one to believe in me.
I cannot believe that it has taken me years to actually find people who do not need me to be different, but can see me for who I am and value this. Now I just need to learn to do this myself to a similar degree as well.
I have a habit – getting stuck on dreaming of a guy who seems reluctant to have anything with me. Maybe it is not specific to me, maybe many women do this, but nevertheless I will first describe you the habit and then the underlying reasons for it.
See when I like a guy I have met, I start obsessing about him. I go into a dreamland where I imagine how and if we would fit together. Then a week goes by and the guy has not contacted me. Instead I will turn towards my friends and ask about their opinions on the guy. I will indulge in daydreaming. Anything but to let go of the poor guy who obviously has not been interested enough to contact me. Then I obsess around whether I should contact him myself. Low and behold, this can go on for months.
This is not really normal, but this was the pattern I got into when I was small. Back then, instead of daydreaming about guys, I daydreamt about having a perfect family, with father mother and a little house. Perhaps also a brother. This dream kept me alive during the darkest hours and I kept reading children’s books in order to keep that alive. At a certain point the dream of a perfect family got replaced by the dream of this one guy that will save me.
My dream was geared towards making me feel safe, supported and loved. Since the real environment around me was lacking in all of these aspects, I created an imaginary world. I guess the parallel is appropriate, my real world is currently lacking family and even a close knit friends circle, so I am keeping alive these dreams of guys I meet and have connection with.
I have yet to work on these feelings of absence on a more thorough manner. It is obvious that this kind of dreaming is a habit which I indulged in for years and it will take a bit to let it go. It has functioned so long as something that kept me alive, so I image there will be resistance about letting it go.
I am going to describe the recent quite substantial experience I had. Namely, lately I have been walking around with this intense anxiety about being judged. I literally imagined every person at the street looking at me and coming up with all kinds of criticisms. I could not even attend social events because the anxiety got so bad. All I can say is that I guess the therapy really brought out these feelings which had been buried for years.
Luckily however, I finally figured out how to release this intense fear. It seems so obvious when I now think of it, but doing it was far from easy. Namely, I understood that there was almost no acceptance and forgiveness in my childhood. All the perceived and actual misgivings and doings were punished harshly. This was how I learned to treat myself as well, never giving any excuses nor understanding towards my issues. I kept mercilessly comparing myself with others and always falling short.
I understood that one of the central things I missed when growing up was someone coming and giving me a hug after I had for instance received a bad grade. Not someone telling me that if I do not start excelling at school I might find myself at the street at some point. It was not about denying that I had made mistakes, but rather accepting that I did those mistakes, but still being forgiven.
Similarly to my childhood, I myself struggled with forgiveness. I had hard time forgiving to myself for all the things I was not perfect in. I had hard time forgiving myself for the mistakes I did and instead tried to convince myself that those were in fact not mistakes. The point where I was actually able to admit that I have made mistakes, but not scrutinize myself for those, was the moment of release. I could literally feel the anxiety leaving my body and I understood, forgiveness and acceptance are the things I needed for all these years.
For years I have been attracted to guys I could never quite figure out. They either sent out conflicting signals or remained unobtainable. I would say that before starting a therapy I was mainly attracted to guys who were never into me, but ever since I started therapy, my attractions have more been towards guys who actually did have some level of interest in me, but they were not quite consistent for various reasons. I think I have finally figured out the reason for this pattern.
See when I was a child, my mother was highly unpredictable. She could be one day in a good mood and be all nice towards me and the other day she could be extremely angry and threaten to kick me out. Such variation is also in fact very characteristic to my ex – Marc. There were days when Marc was the best boyfriend ever, he could give me massages, he would listen to my childhood issues etc. Then there were moment when Marc threatened to leave me or was ranging to the point where I was actually afraid of him. Then there were also period when Marc disappeared as he was visiting his home country.
This all left me very confused. I could never make sense of Marc the same way I could not make sense of my mother. Both had their great moments, so it was unfair to call them evil or what not. In fact during their moments of greatness they were way better human beings than I was. However during their low moments they were also way worse human being than I was.
See the problem with such relationships is that you can never really fully relax. You are constantly alert and unaware of what is coming. When I started dating Marc, I developed a habit, which I never had before with my boyfriends. When he did not call, I would get extremely worried. I thought that maybe it was sign of my neediness and I had just suppressed it with my former boyfriends, but actually it has more to do with me not knowing what was going on. With my consistent partners I could relax even when they did not call, because my first thought was not – oh god maybe they are angry at me, maybe they are going to leave me. However, with Marc I was constantly anxious about having potentially done something that angered him or pushed him to distance himself. It was the exact copy of my childhood environment.
However, it has taken me till now to understand this pattern and fully emphasize with how I have been feeling my whole life. In fact, since this is quite a new discovery, I am sure I will write a bit more about it in the future.
I am currently working on something in my therapy which I for a long time refused to admit I have – namely social anxiety. See, my ex Marc pointed this out on regular instances that I have issues with small talk, networking, being social. I did not want to believe this, because before I actually left for my new country of residence, I had plenty of friends and acquaintances. Hell, even today when I can actually force myself to go out, people like me. I am funny and charming. However, every time I need to go out on an event where I do not know people or where I have not met those people for a while, I first need to have huge fights with myself.
So what are these fights about? I am afraid that people will judge me. There is always something which I think is substandard, so I get myself worked out about this perceived misgiving of mine and there we go. When I actually enter the event, all I can think of is how everybody will now be able to see this misgiving and how soon enough they will laugh and I am forced to hide in the toilet. There are just way too many social events from my childhood that ended exactly like this…
On side of this fear is hence me imagining that other people will always find me weird, out of the place; they will find something wrong about me and will relentlessly bully me because of this. The other side is that I am afraid I will have no possibility to leave. I have tried to avoid the events which tie me to the place my whole life. I need to have the idea that I can actually leave.
Interestingly my social anxiety has really skyrocketed during last years. I am not quite sure why that is, there could be numerous reasons, starting with the fact that I have had very few social events during the last years and ending with the fact that my ex has done quite a bit to increase my social anxiety by pointing out all the ways I misbehave. The explanation that I secretly hope could be used is however that this fear is now finally swimming to the surface and I am able to deal with it. It was not like it was not there before, it was just that I was constantly pressing it down. What I am hoping is that with some work I can finally say in half a year or so, feel that I can enter to the random social occasion and just feel good and not have to worry about what other people think of me.
This blog has based on my radical honesty. So, I am going to continue posting about the issues which seem like washing my dirtiest laundry publicly. So today I am going to say that I knew already several years ago that my relationship is not going to work out. In fact, I was just too embarrassed to admit this both to myself and to other people.
What exactly was I so embarrassed to admit? Mainly how jealous I felt of other people who seemed to have functioning relationships and even have families. I thought, well this might be my last chance, so I better make it work. For long time I felt that way.
I am not going to say that my ex was a monster and I was an angel, because that was not the case. Rather, I was never completely in the relationship and neither was he. Yet, we dragged on this relationship for nearly six years. I cannot speak for his motivations, but I can only be honest about mine. I had a growing feeling of hopelessness three years ago. I had other guys hitting on me…I just never thought they would and could accept me. I assumed, they would all run away if they saw what I was like. I thought, I better be happy if anyone was willing to deal with all my issues and problems and bare it out. I thought, in fact, I should be grateful for him for sticking around.
I never dared to go for guys I was into and who were actually available, because hell, it would never work out. No way could I pretend to be normal and hide my emotional issues for so long that they would commit. I had tried in the past and it always ended with the disaster. Hence, I was tied to someone who was as messed up as I was, in a dysfunctional relationship with little hope for improvement.
Neither of us I think had any illusions when it came to the functionality and a future of this relationship. I think we both knew it lead us nowhere. Yet, fear is a powerful motivator.
If anyone is wondering what I am talking about here, then you can find a better description of these types here (https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-anxious-preoccupied/). Anyways, I started my therapy by being fearful-avoidant type. These types often crave intimacy, but find it difficult to accept when offered. This is the most disturbed type out of all the attachment types and is developed as a result of childhood abuse (mostly). There is little written on how one can change their attachment type or how difficult it may be. So I am going to contribute to this obvious lack of literature here.
So throughout my therapy I have peeled off the protective layers in my psyche so that I could finally face my issue without the intense walls. These walls served a good purpose during my childhood and helped me to deal with my life, but nowadays prove to be problematic. At this point I have reached the ‘level’ where I could categorize myself as anxious preoccupied type. The difference is that now I have lost the protective layers, defending me against abuse and just have a high need for intimacy and love. I have somehow managed to resolve the part of my childhood which made me extremely distrusting of others and forced me to carry a mask and have begun to trust others more and more.
Where I however still struggle quite a bit is in trusting myself. Trusting my ability to manage alone. Trusting myself to be attractive enough for others so that they would stick around. I am still anticipating abandonment and I do not trust that others are there for me after I have not communicated with them for a while. I dare to be more of myself around them than ever before, but I still think that they could walk away any moment. Furthermore, I still think that a lot of their behavior is about me and not about them. Someone being a bad mood – surely it is because of something I did and not something to do with some outside hinder. Someone not responding to my facebook message – surely it is because they do not like me.
Theoretically it is interesting how transforming from fearful-avoidant towards secure for me includes first becoming anxious-preoccupied type. I still have some way to go, unlike I thought couple of months ago. In fact there are still some quite big challenges ahead of me, but I believe I am somehow moving to the right direction.
It has been two months since Chase’s death and I feel that perhaps for the first time I can say something about this and about loss. See, I have had to go through a lot of loss in my life, more than most people during their whole life, I dare to say. But for the first time now I am aspiring to seek answers to what loss can actually give to us.
Do not misunderstand me, this is not part of – everything has a meaning in this life and serves us for the greater good. I am still not really finding it in me to fully immerse myself in this philosophy. However, I do feel I can say some words about how I deal with loss.
The way I deal with loss is by changing myself. Loss, by definition, is a change. Your life needs to accommodate to the fact that the person so important for you is not anymore there. This is forced change which many of us are not ready to face. I try to deal with the loss by changing myself to the degree that who I was at the point in met this person becomes part of past. Then I can think, this person was part of my ‘blue’ period. It is a way to categorize the different periods of your life by lessons, by what kind of a person you were back then.
Loss becomes a process that pushes you towards becoming a new person. It always does, for better or worse. I take this push and I use it to change myself, to work with the emotions that come up. I do this relentlessly, so that at some point I do not have to feel as if I lost the love of my life, because I am different today. My needs are different today, I am a better and a more mature version of myself.
This is how I deal with loss…
I have spent a lot of years feeling as if I value people around me more than they value me. It probably started out with my mother often enough threatening to kick me out and telling me how worthless and useless I was. I internalized the message and hereby got into the habit of proving my value to other people.
See when you think of this from the perspective of a child, it is really clear actually. You have two choices, either to accept that no one loves you (your parents) or to hang on to the hope that if you try hard enough, they will love you. Obviously the second option seems a little bit safer and more hopeful.
So you get stuck with the habit of always needing to jump through the hoops and prove to the other people that you are good enough. Other people get used to your people-pleasing habits and treat you accordingly. Furthermore, you are actually prone to choose people, who like your parents, never really approve of you.
I am slowly changing and as I am changing, I am also getting puzzled by the people around me. I am becoming more conscious of their behavior and it confuses me. Take my ex who made me believe that having long conversations with me was his favor to me. That communication was his favor to me. He was obviously so out of touch with his needs that he never even questioned if he could get something out of these interactions. No, it was always me who was the receiver and he was the giver. Why does it puzzle me? Because now my ex is coming to me and admitting how he likes conversing with me. How he misses me. How he misses our conversations.
So apparently people who put you to the inferior role are able to see your relevance for them and your value once you finally stand up for yourself. However, the question is, should you be together with someone who devalues you till you finally stand up and speak for yourself? I know they say that you teach to other people how to treat you, but see, here is the twist, I do not think you should spend eloquent amount of time teaching other people how to treat you. Rather, perhaps, choose someone who you do not have to teach, but who treats you well to begin with.