I think to a degree we all have certain emotions and situations we want to avoid in this life. You know the issues we really do not want to look into the eye. Instead, we do everything to either distract ourselves, forget about these issues or plain creating our life in a way that we never need to face those.
I still after years of therapy have things which really make me uncomfortable. I get extremely uncomfortable in new situations where I need to deliver. I am afraid that I will not manage and my first thought is to imagine myself as helpless. My second thought hence is to find someone stronger that I can rely on or who will take care of the issue on my place. This is a clutch and oh so automatic one. I can also instead just try avoiding the issue through either drinking, dreaming of the next great guy that is going to love me or just plain not looking at the issues in my life that need to be dealt with.
This spring has to a degree been about me looking at the issues in my life which I so strongly tried to avoid for the most part. I blamed my ex for my life not moving forward, but I never really wanted to see that I refused to actually see myself as someone who can actually do something about my own life. I am slowly getting there, but damn the idea is still making me uncomfortable, especially as I see how badly I have handled things so far. So in addition to feeling helpless, I now also feel guilt and shame to a degree. I put myself down for having behaved this way my whole life.
It is easy to fall back on old patterns and this is something I am still fighting. I know I need to start seeing myself as my own person, capable of taking care for myself. I need to start tending my own needs and put my life together in a new way which includes finding my own inner strength. Seeing where I have been wrong so far and addressing it has been one of the most powerful personal development steps I will ever take. But the truth is also at the same time very uncomfortable. I cannot avoid seeing it anymore, because I have already recognized it on a deeper level. But I still struggle both addressing the issue as well as just acknowledging it and forgiving to myself. Sometimes in the middle of this painful process all one just wants to do is to fall back on things which make us feel good. As the pain is increasing it does not seem like we deserve to feel this pain…so we want to escape.