I watched an interesting show today on people who were looking forward to getting back together with their exes. The interesting part was that there was a couple where a woman claimed that she felt so bad when she was together with her ex and she felt as if she was never good enough for him. The way she presented it was through putting all the responsibility on a guy. The more it advanced the more I got annoyed, but not with a guy, but rather with the woman. See, I have been this woman….
The thing is there is no victim in this relationship. Someone can take control and make you feel bad about yourself only if you give them this power. I was together with my ex at the time I was an immense people pleaser. I never believed in my worth without other people’s validation. I needed this approval and naturally I kept seeking for people whose approval was hard to get. My ex was one of these people. But was he responsible for me needing this approval and me going out of my way trying to be the way he liked me – no. If he had not been there I had found someone else whose approval I had sought.
See, it was me who was constantly asking questions from my ex about how he wanted me to be. At the point my ex told me he does not love me, I even asked what I could change about myself. I thought, well, if only I could be more perfect, maybe he would love me. It was my ex that needed to refuse this request and told me straight up that he is not going to give me guidelines on how to become someone else.
If you feel someone is making you feel that you are not enough that means you are giving other people this right. Furthermore you don’t accept responsibility for your own bad feelings about yourself. Lets face it, I would have felt not good enough without my ex as well. However in the shape of my ex I had a way to externalize these feelings.
So back to this woman from the show. I actually feel bad for her that she has yet to come to realization that it was not guys fault that she felt bad about herself and that she let him devalue him. She is still not owning her inner feelings of unworthiness. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that the guy is innocent, but hey, at least he seems to have done some self-reflection on what he did wrong all the while the woman I walking around telling everyone how it was all his fault.