Why are you looking for partner?

Before my therapy I thought that if I could only find this one person, my world would change. I, would change. I would suddenly start loving myself the way this other person loves me. This sadness inside of me would lift and we would live happily ever after.

I guess everyone can see how naïve and unhealthy that opinion was. However, the next phase is something which I think is more common to great many people and which is not questioned to an equal degree.

After my ideals of finding this one perfect person who would make me feel lovable fell, I nevertheless accepted another unhealthy opinion. Namely, I wanted my partner to take care of me. I wanted them to make my life easier. Their presence could defend me against my social anxiety, against my work trouble etc. Mind me, it did work to a degree with my ex, but only at the cost of giving away my independence.

I think a lot of people look for the other person in order to make their life easier. In order to compensate for something they struggle with. To a degree it can be healthy, but only to a small degree.

I have reached to the phase, where I feel that a relationship is a responsibility. I have a responsibility before someone else when I enter to the relationship. Instead of viewing relationship as a solution, I look at relationship as another challenge added to my daily life.

Perhaps this view is as unhealthy as the previous, who knows. What I do know however is that for the first time in my life I am not rushing to jump into another relationship. I feel responsibility before myself and before this other person. I can see my current struggles and I want to at least solve them to a degree so that I would not overload this other person with my issues.  I want to be OK first and then find a relationship, not the opposite.

Yet, from what I observe, great many people want the relationship first and then they might consider working on themselves to be OK. No wonder so many relationships fail. The problem is not the relationship, the problem is the people that entered this relationship with very unrealistic expectations as to what a relationship can do for them. Then, when these expectations are not being met, people are quick to blame their partners for misdeeds which were never misdeeds, but their own failures.

For the first time in my life, I feel I have a responsibility. When I enter to the relationship, I take upon myself a responsibility. I need to be a mature and accountable person who has minimized her own problems first. So this is what I am currently working on. I am working on becoming this accountable person.


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