Something which I still have real difficult to get is disappearing people. Mind me, I have had three people literally disappear from my life this year. I just do not get it. I am not talking about some tinder dates that I never met in real life. I am talking about people with whom I communicated at least half a year.
This feeling of disappearing people is not new at all. People must not physically disappear, they can also disappear emotionally, at some point, from the relationship. I think my ex disappeared emotionally at some point. Nevertheless, in defense for my ex, he has actually been one of the most persistent people in my life and despite our breakup, I do trust him. So I would never count him on the list of disappearing people. However, plenty of friends, plenty of people in general, seem to have no problem just vanishing without saying goodbye.
I have a hard time dealing with it. I seem to develop bonds with people and care about them all too easily. I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me thinks it is a benefit that I care about people. Part of me thinks that it is stupid, especially when it is not reciprocated. I don’t really know how to hit the right balance, because obviously I tend to care more about people than they care about me.
So ultimately disappearing is just a sign that they did not care. What else would communicate not caring better than someone just stepping out of your life. Perhaps I am over interpreting, because I can never see what is happening from their side. Perhaps they are suffering as well, but find that the relationship (here I mean all kinds of relationships) is irredeemable. However, some part of me doubts it. I feel that I can have a lot of faults, but being unwilling to learn, compromise and negotiate upon conflict, is not one of those. So, I think my evaluation about someone that is stepping out my life not caring is quite right.
The question is – how do I find these people. How do I find people that obviously seem to have no problem treating my emotions as irrelevant and treating our communication as some treaty where one can just extract as much value as possible and then disappear? Am I being unfair to these people? I really do not know. All I know is that the pattern really needs to change. I am unwilling to engage in relationships where I care much more than the other side at this point. I think I deserve more.