Whether to cut someone out of your life or just disengage emotionally?

There are people in my life that I have emotionally distanced myself from and then there are people that I have cut out entirely. There are so many questions related to this topic such as: why would you disengage from certain people but keep them in your life or when do I know it is the correct time to cut someone out entirely or do I do the right thing by emotionally disengaging? So I will try to discuss at least some of these questions here.

During the last years I have cut several people out of my life. I am here not talking about some random acquaintances, but really, close people. I have also emotionally disengaged from a number of people. One of the people I have emotionally disengaged from is my mum so I am going to use her example for the first group.

First, why have I emotionally disengaged from her? My mum is unpredictable in a sense that you never know what kind of reaction you will get. One moment she goes out of her way to show you how little you matter to her (not even maliciously, it is subconscious) and the other moment she feels that she should somehow be a good mum and be nice. What happens when you invest emotionally? Well, you get hurt, sooner or later. See, when I invest to someone emotionally, I like to be consistent. I am willing to accept expectations made on me and I expect that I can have certain expectations on them. But what do you do with a person that is completely inconsistent? Well, I have not yet found a way to be close and accept such inconsistency. Hence emotional distancing.

Now, in the second group is my former best friend. Why did I cut her out? She was a good and close friend and a support person. She was reliable and had many good qualities. However, I understood that she was all that as long as the relationship functioned on her terms. She could not accept criticism on her actions and she could not accept my borders. Instead she kept pushing and our friendship ended with a big fight. I felt there was no way of keeping the friendship and keeping myself. Either I kept the friendship and played based on her rules only or I kept myself and my identity. In that situation, I chose myself.

So I guess for me it boils down to – are the actions of the other person harmful for me or are they just acting somewhat aloof and disengaged. If they are aloof and disengaged, but bring significant benefits with themselves, I can maintain the relationship. I only make a pact with myself not to overinvest (this is a struggle on its own). If, I however sense somehow that what the other person does is violating my borders and it cannot be negotiated then cutting them out if the way to go.

On paper it seems simple and logical, however in real life, with emotions everything gets messy and you are probably only able to make certain conclusions about the situation in hindsight.

 

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