I am visiting my home country and as I talk to my old friends, I also understand that I have vastly different needs and expectations on communication today compared to seven years ago. I think it stroke me when I was trying to converse with an old friend and the conversation just did not go anywhere. It was like pulling the teeth, for me. Quick look into how my friend relates to other people and I understood – his common way of relating is non-personal. For him to talk about either his feelings or someone else’s feelings makes him vastly uncomfortable. I think it is sad. Why? Because he is currently ill and there is no one visiting him and taking care of him. He has plenty of acquaintances with whom he regularly relates to, but apparently no one who would be close enough to really go out of their way to care. I think it is exactly because he is not really relating to people on a deeper level.
My friend, of course is no exception. I have another friend with whom there is to some degree the same kind of wall. We talk about our life philosophies, different interesting topics, but it is always non personal. I know very little about his personal life. In fact I know nothing about his current romantic involvements. However, he is an interesting person to talk to and I would still call him a friend.
Then I have another friend with whom I can talk about personal matters. I also know quite a bit about his personal history. We have a similar way of reflecting on our experiences, searching some meaning and reason behind our actions. However, the problem with him is that I feel I cannot really trust him one hundred percent. I feel sometimes that he is engaging in some kind of power play with me. Like our communication was some kind of hidden battle where he needs to prove that he comes out on top. How does it show? – well it shows when he is occasionally telling me how my observations about his behavior were obvious, when he is desperately trying to tell me how he is smarter than I am etc. I am particularly in tune with such power plays because that was my exes Buena forte.
Then I have another friend with whom I can again talk about intimate things, feelings etc. He is going through difficult time now and to be honest is wearing me off with his neediness. He wants to constantly talk about psychological issues, either his or mine and I am of the opinion that not all communication needs to be about deep issues. He reminds me of myself when I discovered therapy and was deep into my issues, in a way that this was all I could talk about. To be honest, being at the receiving end of this is tiresome.
I am guessing that I am developing an idea of how I would want a friendship to be. I think similarly to relationships and needs, we have certain needs for our friendships. Probably no friend can fulfill all our needs, but I am getting a feeling that I am really missing a friend who would be in line with my current needs. Rather, several of my friendships are a testament about who I once was. Some of them speak about intimacy avoidance, some of neediness etc. I am understanding that people you let into your life become to define you. It is my time now to decide how I want to be defined and what are my needs in regards to friendships.