Taking responsibility and the anxiety

Who is afraid of going to massage because it might divert her from her daily routine? Yes…you guessed right – it is me. I am starting to understand, however, that this kind of anxiety which I feel if I have to even tiny bit do something out my regular routines is not really normal nor healthy.

It is weird, had you asked me five years ago if I was a person who was stuck with her routines and really loved predictability, I would have protested loudly. I did not see myself as someone who is micromanaging things. I laughed over my friends’ attempts to control things. Little did I know that I had purposefully chosen such friends so that I would not have to take responsibility nor control anything. I mean it is easy to not be upset or anxious if you perceive yourself having little control and are willing to give it to someone else.

Things have changed. I have given up my controlling friends. I have begun to give up the idea of ever meeting some boyfriend/father figure who would take control over my life, protect and manage everything for me. As long as I had this hope, I really did not need to worry about the future, because I could always comfort myself with the knowledge that, maybe I did not have to. I have let many things just stand without wanting to even take a look at these. My finances is for instance one thing. I just did not even want to go over of my spending because I was too afraid of what I will find.

How does this all relate back to me feeling anxious about massage? Well, now I know that I am expected to show up on time. There will be consequences if I do not. I also know that I have thousands of other responsibilities, so going to massage on a work day was aversion from these activities, but was something I perceived necessary because I was collapsing under these other responsibilities. Quite honestly, it comes down to managing my life and my responsibilities on my own and boy is that anxiety inducing. I think this is just a beginning of me exploring this issue though, because there is a lot more to dwell on here.


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