So that title might sound funny for someone who has never been into therapy. Might even sound funny for someone who has never struggled with false identity and people pleasing. What I am, however, discovering is that, a lot of the behaviors and hobbies of mine were adopted either to make other people happy or to run away from certain emotions which I did not want to feel. So now I am at the point where I ask – what is it that I like to do in my free time?
So lets look at what I did in my free time before my big move and my therapy. Well, I took some pictures. I still like photography, but I suspect that part of my photography habit back then was to deal with the lack of social contacts as well as to impress other people with my pictures. I did camping. Again, it is not that I dislike camping these days, it is more that I question the motives as to why I took it up to begin with. I went to cinema at the time of the film festival every year. Now, when I actually do end up in the cinema, I find it enjoyable, but I hardly go there. I visited a song festival every year, I have been there couple of times still, but somehow I do not get a kick out of it. I went to some parties, and I have to admit that these parties seem somewhat unsatisfactory today. I travelled and again, even travelling can get me excited these days. It just seem like work.
For couple of last years my life has been pretty much my work and therapy. It is difficult to come out of this routine, because you really discover that you have no idea anymore what to do with your free time. You have no clue what interest you these days, because the person who did all the previous things seems like a distant memory. Like you can remember that you once were this person, but well, not anymore.
So there you go, I have no idea how I can be so confused about what I enjoy, but apparently it is possible. All I know at this stage is that I like my job. What my hobbies are remains to be seen, somehow.