This post will be highly personal and me rewriting my life story to a degree. But I think it has been perhaps the most vital discovery I have made throughout these years, so here it comes.
I moved to where I live because of my ex (lets call him Tim). Tim, at this point was the love of my life. I really admired him as a man and a person. However, I could slowly and clearly see that what Tim felt for me was not in an equal level to what I felt for him. It never was. In the end I confronted Tim and he admitted that he had never been in love with me. Even though on some level I knew this, hearing this was still a shock. It to a degree destroyed me and no matter how hard I tried, I was never able to hate Tim. I loved him, to a degree I still do.
At the same time that things were going sour with Tim, I met my current boyfriend (Alex). Alex loved me. This feeling was new to me. Alex was so caring and attentive and I felt genuinely seen. The only problem was that I did not love Alex. I loved Tim. However I understood the problems in loving someone who does not love you back and I thought well, if I work long and hard in therapy, perhaps I can start loving Alex. No, did not happen. I loved Alex for what he did to me.
About half a year ago I met a guy (Chase) with whom I quickly developed emotional connection. We both were involved so it did not develop any further. That did not stop me from hoping. Chase is now dead. But I am happy to say that he showed me the possibility of meeting someone who you love as a person and who loves you as a person. It is possible. This long sought after state is possible.
As I am healing from Chase’s sudden death, I am also seeing the errors of my ways. I am seeing the difference between two kinds of love so strongly – loving someone for what they do for you and loving someone as a person. I think I also owe it to Alex to breakup with him so that we both could find this bliss. Chase showed me the light and even though it hurts like hell to know that he is not here anymore, I am so grateful for him. His life and death have developed me in ways that would have not been possible otherwise.