Bullying and feeling unsafe in the world

I am currently working on my feelings of unsafety and I am realizing how threatened I have felt my whole life.

I have been bullied, pretty much all through life. Even during my adulthood people have given me shitty treatment. I was constantly scared when going to parties and new social surroundings – what if I will be casted out and bullied again? In my mind I have always been this helpless four year old child.

My bullying started at the age of four when I moved together with my grandparents and had to move to small town. I was the new kid, easy to pick on because my mother had just moved away to another country and I found readjusting really complicated. From there on everything continued like a bad dream. I moved again, to the foreign country to live with my mother. Naturally I was again the new kid. Then I moved again and again. Altogether I moved four times and each time I had to deal with hostile kids. As if this was not enough, I also got a huge scar to my face which made me excellent laughing material even for strangers at the street.

By the age of fifteen I had seen it all. The bullying just continued and continued. I became so scared that it was obvious from my behavior and even strangers could pick it up. This how I also attracted several pedophiles who harassed me (luckily the worst it ever got was dry humping). In addition the whole situation at home with a mother who had moments of rage did not help either.

Needless to say that I have carried this fear with me for years.  For years I avoided passing my old school. Now I avoid going back home. Every time I go there I imagine someone meeting me and starting to bully me again. Even though I feel quite lonely in where I am right now, I am scared to return to my home country. Scared of those people who once bullied me telling me – I told you that you will never amount to anything. Scared of my friends giving me judgmental looks (I unfortunately chose multiple friends who were extremely judgmental of me).

Yes. I am scared of people. This is me in the beginning of solving this issue so I assume there will be more of such posts where I try to understand and reconfigure this fear.

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