I have a fear in connection to my relationships with men. The fear is that no one will ever commit to me for real. Lets face it, no man has so far. Yes, I am living together with my boyfriend, but every time we talk about future, I get a realization that the kind of future I want, with children and marriage, might never happen with him.
I will be honest. This has upset me for quite a while. I have been trying to take it easy, but this has been one of my main concerns ever since I started dating. That maybe, just maybe I will never find anyone. Maybe I will be all alone. Just like my mother. Deep down I am scared as hell.
My fear naturally has made me make some unreasonable relationship choices. I have pretty much jumped to the relationship with any decent guy that showed interest in me. I have refused to breakup even if it was clear that this relationship is not good. Anything just to avoid the pain of being single.
Unfortunately this panic before being alone has created exactly what it has intended to avoid. I am waking up to realization that my panic has pushed me to commit to guys that with their behavior showed me from the beginning that their interest is not equal to mine. In my delusional mindset I tried to convince myself that they actually really loved me and I will just need to help them. Love conquers everything…. Well, years later I have to admit, no it really does not. Instead, it has left me with the feeling of….well desperation to a degree. Feeling that I am trying so hard, but obviously in wrong places. See, it is not enough to try hard and then just keep doing the very same. This is how I have functioned so far. Just hoped that I will somehow convince those commitment resistant guys to commit. Once they will see how great I am, they cannot but to commit. It appears that actually yes they can.
So my somewhat poor choices have been greatly inspired by my desperate fear of being left alone. This is the hurdle which I am facing right now and I have to say that this fear is overwhelming me to a degree that I have serious urges to just quiet it with alcohol every waking moment. This, I find, is just indicative as to how strong this issue is. Whatever it takes, I will have to push myself through somehow.