I have dedicated my life by trying to handle the chaos by working on myself. I tried to control my ex-boyfriends feeling for me by improving myself. I tried to control my current boyfriend’s moods by perfecting myself. This has been the only reliable thing in my life – my ability to improve and approach perfection.
See the thing is, I grew up in an environment where nothing was secure. My mother’s emotional reactions to me were totally random. Sometimes she would lash out because I had not cleaned floor, sometimes she would ignore the dirty dishes lying around. However, believing that I had no control over her anger outbursts and her infrequent praise, would have been too threatening. So I just believed that if I only work enough with myself, if I am only perfect enough……I will feel safe. The continuing instability at home was just a proof that I was not working hard enough.
I have reached to the point where the part of me who always tries to be perfect is crumbling. I am just too tired. I am realizing that me being perfect does not help me to control my insecure career neither does it salvage my emotionally instable relationship.
It is a scary thought. There was a reason why I was so invested in becoming perfect. Because the alternative was to face my powerlessness and the obviously abusive nature of my mother’s parenting. So I am getting glimpses of this insecurity now. My walls are falling……so does my ideal on achieving security by pleasing and not causing trouble.