One of the key topics for all the therapy patients is self-esteem. Or well….the lack of it. I always assumed that I had the lowest self-esteem possible, after all I loathed myself when I started therapy. I recently realized that this might not necessarily have been the case.
Even when my ex told me that he is not sure if he loves me, however would be willing to continue and see if he can develop these feelings for me, I instead decided to break up. Even though I hate changes in my life and I had moved to foreign country to be together with my ex, I somehow found enough strength and self-belief to say – I am worth better than this. I imagined my whole life being spent with someone who takes our relationship only as a duty and I decided, even I deserve more.
What exactly I deserved, was really unknown to me at this point. I also ended up pining for my ex for two consecutive years, thinking that I have lost the love of my life, but at least, somewhere inside of me I found so much self-belief to do what needed to be done.
So, I am thinking, many of us, even really badly abused, still have some remains of self-esteem left. The problem is that these might be activated only in the case of real crisis. Mostly, these ruins of self-esteem are covered by all the other stuff about how worthless we are. So, the therapy is about peeling off these layers of negative self-talk, so that we can finally get access to our self-love.
Why am I thinking about this now? Well, because I made massive breakthrough in my therapy – coming terms to my feelings of rejection. I am finally actively using the idea of relying on myself to define my self-worth, instead of needing to find some external source. I do not want to get ahead of things, because I still believe that some work needs to be done, but overall it feels pretty great.