Trying to ‘prove my value’

 

I am noticing how I have an uncanny habit of trying to attach others to me by providing some service to them. I do not trust them to want to communicate for myself, so I make up some stupid reason – offer something to them. It is quite sad actually, because I am totally missing all the signs about how unimportant I am in fact for this other person. I assume that because I have done some favors to them, I must be accepted and appreciated, but often times come out feeling cheated.

Behind me providing help and favors is me needing to control the relationship. Well, at least to a degree. I am thinking, if I only prove that I am valuable and resourceful enough, this other person will also be convinced and start communicating with me. Needless to say, that this has not been my experience in the past.

What usually happens is, I formulate one sided relationships. Relationships that have me in the role of pursuer and the other just waiting to be approached. I am starting to feel more and more desperate in the process and try to push more, whereas they are just continuing their blissfully ignorant existence, because for them I never qualified as particularly important. It is like I am desperately trying to buy some love and appreciation. I can work long hours, be the most responsible person out there, for what? – just to be accepted to the group. Unfortunately if you approach the matter from this perspective, what people start to appreciate you for, is in fact your resourcefulness and not you, yourself.

The problem is, I think I have no idea how to ‘make’ someone value me without trying to provide anything for this person.

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