I feel I cannot trust him

Last time I wrote about another reason why people might be commitment phobic. After looking a bit to my childhood and the constant insecurity I felt, I am pushed to look at my relationship from that perspective as well. This will be entirely biased picture, because it is written from the perspective of my fear.

I have essentially chosen a partner who I feel I cannot trust. He is someone who gets annoyed very easily and has mood swings. He occasionally takes his moods out on me, blaming me for those.  Additionally, as I mentioned, he also sometimes during the fights threatens to leave. He sometimes does not pick up his phone. He sometimes disappears when in another country. He is reluctant about planning the future.

I am just now realizing how much fear I have had throughout all these years. How little trust I have had. How insecure I have constantly felt.

This did not strike me as weird, because apparently I am very used to this. Furthermore, it felt like a huge development, because my boyfriend has something my mother never had – warmth and caring nature. I felt like finally, if I behave, I am in for a rare treat – his unconditional love.

It is funny really, because all the drama and fluctuations were I guess something I expected. I somehow thought they were a sign as to how much we both loved eachother. That our relationship was something very special where we could connect on a deeper level. I rationalized for myself, that I did not need firm commitment. It was development relationship. We were there to push eachothers buttons and we will see what comes out of it……

Yes, indeed, it has been a deep relationship. It still is a deep relationship. However, I am also starting to understand that drama and emotional fluctuations are not necessary for a deep relationship. All the drama happens when do relatively emotionally unhealthy and fearful people get together. When neither one trusts the other.

So we both have commitment issues. Obviously. We both have trust issues for various reasons. But I am starting to understand that I am scared. I am so terrified of this insecurity. I would like to have a safe place in this world. A safe place I never had. I am also understanding, what happens in our relationship contributes to my fears. I am also starting to realize how his behavior has continuously pushed my buttons and how some of it is far from healthy.

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