Another common reason behind chasing the unavailable

From what I have read about chasing unavailable people, a lot of resources suggest that it has to do with your self-esteem, your wish to seek for unrequited love etc. Conquering the unavailable person should stand for the proof that you are lovable.

I could always to a degree relate to these explanations, but not quite. I kept wondering why, even though I was constantly working with my self-esteem and my lovability issues, my addiction to unavailable guys never went away. Until I discovered the reason behind my addiction….

So in my childhood I could never be certain of my mother’s reaction on things I did. Sometimes when I got a bad grade, she was quite forgiving and even comforted me. Sometimes she would get furious. I had no way of predicting her reaction. Just as I had no way of knowing the rules of the game.

Such an insecurity led me to always check for her reactions. Desperately wanting to know how to make her happy. I came so accustomed with this insecurity that I started to equal this with how relationships should be.

When I love somebody….I go to the mode of proving myself. I need constant insecurity. I need constant feeling that I cannot be sure of their feelings and reactions towards me. There needs to be some hope in the air, so that it would not seem like a desperate pursuit. I need to feel that it is possible to be in their good graces……but I should not be certain of their approval and love.

So this is why I am running after unavailable guys. I am trying to reverse the pattern from my childhood where I will figure out the rules of the game and finally know how to earn my mother’s constant approval.

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