Something that I have been struggling with lately is – feeling that there is no progress in my life. They say that doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for different kind of results is insanity. I feel that, with slight variations, I am doing the same things over and over again, without realizing it.
Patterns are a difficult thing to change. My pattern is hoping that somehow somewhere outside of me is this universal love, in the shape of a man, and I just have to meet him. When I finally meet him, I will not feel alone and unsafe in the world. I will finally feel like I belong somewhere, like I have a family……Ultimately I am just looking for the feeling I never got when I was small. I want to feel that there is a warm place waiting for me. That I am expected and welcomed.
Unfortunately, the shape that I want this all in, is suitable for a child, but not for a grown woman. I am still lacking the full realization that, it is my job to create this sense of belonging and sense of family. I am just hoping that somehow, naturally, it will all fall into place once there is this right relationship…..
The fact that I can critically talk about it, shows some progress. In my experience however, we can understand something rationally and still continue doing this. It is emotional understanding that matters. Do you understand why you feel the way you feel? Do you condone your feelings or do you accept those as part of yourself?
So currently, I am still on the level of rational understanding. I understand that, there is this lack in me. However, I am critical towards this lack and I am putting myself down, because I should have it all figured out by now.