Insecurity

If one could choose one word to describe my life so far- it would be insecurity. As much as I would like to believe that I am poor victim of unfortunate circumstances, I somehow understand that there has to be some of my doing in this insecurity and instability as well.

I have no idea if what we feel inside tends to reflect outside in our life. However that would be painfully accurate description of my life. I feel that the last moment of security was before I left my home-country six years ago. Ever since, everything has been in constant movement and transition.

The stupidest thing is, I have no idea how to solve this. I am getting the sense that I have to first solve my inner turmoil, but I have no idea if this will actually help me to turn my life around. I have made an experience that changing my inner experience about how I felt about my appearance for instance helped me to get that far where I normally do not care about it. So I wonder if maybe the same will happen with insecurity, once I stop caring about it, changes will also happen outside.

So far, people have been passing companions in my life and I feel that I have no idea when the next one will fall out. I cannot hold on to my work either, because it is really insecure. I have changed apartments 6 times during last six years. My boyfriend, as mentioned has a nasty habit of sometimes disappearing and being extremely moody, so you never know what comes from there either. So, no wonder I feel in flux. However, what would be the solution. If you have any ideas, feel free to contribute.

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