Inconsistency in relationships and push and pull pattern

Me and my boyfriend started our relationship with a very strong push and pull dance. It was so extreme that we went from being together every day to not communicating for three months. My boyfriend likes to present this as due to my intimacy issues, but the more I develop in my therapy, the more I understand that he has very deep issues of his own.

I been wondering for some time why I feel as if we are not really a real couple. There is an ambivalence to the relationship. No direct future plans. No strong commitment such as engagement or buying real estate together. Furthermore, he makes his plans alone- announcing me sometimes in the last minute when he is going for his work trip or that he has planned one week of his vacation without me.

For a long time I was OK with such a pattern, because as my BF so helpfully pointed out, I had my intimacy issues. However, I am getting increasingly frustrated about this situation these days. The most problematic thing seems to be that my BF cannot understand what the problem is. In his mind, since he is sometimes very giving it compensates for him taking his ‘own time’ (disappearing for a week when he is in a work trip).

I have been driving myself mad by focusing on trust issues. It is true, I have trust issues, but I am also understanding that there are some reservations to trusting someone who does not pick up his phone. Or someone who vacillates between being super loving, to being passive-aggressive and distant. I am just left confused. Not understanding what he wants. He is consistently inconsistent. This makes it very difficult for me to believe any of his future plans, especially regarding family. Am I to trust him or am I to decide that his inconsistency is the end of our relationship?


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