Finding myself

Life is a development. Continuous being on a road. I doubt that my self-development will end with finishing my therapy, I think my mindset is set on needing to feel that, I am moving somewhere. So this last post of the year is here to celebrate my successes.

I am learning to love myself. Learning to be me and say that it is OK to be me. This statement sounds so corny that I am almost reaching out for an insulin shot. However, it still has more depth than it is usually credited for. A lay person finds it difficult to understand how being yourself can be an achievement. However, everyone who has a history of child abuse can relate. We are thaught to feel ashamed of who we are, to hide, to deny, to please. We are thaught that being someone else tops being oneself.

So here is something- I am becoming me and I am not yet totally fine with it. I am having trouble distinguishing which part of me is just a compensation of my insecurities and which part is….well the authentic me. Is there a difference. How far can we get rid of our insecurities? It is clear that I am not the same person anymore compared to the one who started the therapy, yet I sometimes have trouble deciding how different I am.. Which part to keep and which part to ditch? Which people to keep and which to ditch?

An example. My wall of sarcasm is falling. I am still vastly sarcastic and humorous in my everyday life, but I also notice that I am using it as a defensive mechanism. However, I like being funny. I like playing and teasing. So when does this teasing and playing become the avoidance of intimacy?

It is all about the borders of your new personality? Where are the borders of appropriate behavior? Who do you want to be? How few people ask this question from themselves…..So many of us think who we are is predetermined anyways. However, I feel like I got a second chance and I can really ask- who do I want to be.

I am grateful for my second chance…….

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