Today I realized something. For years now I have been telling to myself that, I need to develop further. I need to improve myself in order to become a great girlfriend. There was always something that I needed to do better.
My epiphany included the knowledge that, this is how I have survived in my relationships. This is why I have stalled intimacy and this is also the reason why I have held on to critical and judgmental boyfriends. I somehow hoped that if I react to every single criticism of my boyfriends, if I somehow turn myself into perfect……I will finally get the award- a good relationship.
The problem with such a theory is that, well my judgmental boyfriends do not turn overnight to prince charming. They will continue to be unhappy with me and I will continue to seek for their approval and closeness even if this is not coming along.
Behind such thinking is of course my hope to finally win over this distant and critical caretaker- my mother. If I try hard enough, if I only keep checking all the boxes, I will be loved. Loved for real…….I will experience the real closeness and acceptance.
So similarly I imagined that, once I achieve this mystical- ‘I am good enough’ border, I will experience the perfect relationship. I will finally feel happy, protected and cherished.
I think it is time for me to accept that, this might never happen. It is time for me to accept that I have to start believing that, I am good enough and then make appropriate decisions in my life.