For the few last weeks I have been chocked, because I am starting to notice how damn scared I am about someone coming too close to me. This has actually been one of the red threads in my partner choices as well. There is much to write about it, but I will start by describing how I used to choose my partners.
I always prided myself for knowing my partners better than they did me. There was something very safe about it…..Not that it would have been wrong. With my ex I could pretty much guess what he was going to say next. He was uncomplicated or at least he did not want to go to any depths of his identity. It felt nice and cozy staying on the surface. Now this was my stereotypical choice for partner- safe, uncomplicated guy who was as afraid to be vulnerable and drive the relationship to any kind of depth as was I. So there we were…. in the relationship which was mainly based on superficial values…..
On the other hand, I always had good male friends. Plenty of good male friends with whom I could talk about deep subjects. These were the guys to whom I went with all my questions about life and men and we would have very interesting discussions. I never developed a relationship with any of these guys….In my mind they just felt, well…….not attractive. Not that these guys would have not looked at me that way, but I was uninterested.
There was some nice safety in the knowledge that my boyfriends have absolutely no idea what I am thinking about. I regularly imagined how chocked they would be if they actually found out what I thought about them or life. I was a good pretender….. They were either not interested in what was actually going on or were totally convinced by my act. My real persona once in a while leaked out and disturbed these guys though…..all my emotions felt scary for them.
My current relationships is the first exception to this rule. He was my friend and he was someone who I have trusted with pretty dirty secrets. It actually felt good, but also scary. However, I know and I can see how I have also built numerous walls in this relationship. I am too afraid of someone controlling me. My boyfriend is somewhat controlling and dominating……..
This is only the beginning of my story with intimacy. Next time I will go more into why I have been running away from it.