I will give you (love, commitment) once you….

I have noticed lately an increasing anger towards my boyfriend. Now anger has always been the emotion I have tried to supress. It always induces feelings of guilt in me so I obviously needed to explore what this was about.

You know how people promise you that you will get a certain award when you do something and then once it is the time they back down? Now, maybe they did intend to give you this award or more likely they never actually did, they just wanted to give you some made up reasons as to why they cannot give you the award now. Instead of saying- I actually do not give you the award, they tell you- I will give you this if you do X (expecting that you actually never do X so you come out to be the bad guy and now you are responsible for not having X).

Now this all sounds very abstract, so let me give you one of the main examples from my relationship. I have been wanting to have kids for a while or getting married or something that would take our relationship to the next level. Instead, whenever we have these discussions, my boyfriend finds some sound reasoning as to why he cannot have kids with ME now. Once it was because I am not emotionally stable, then it was because the relationship is not working, then it was because he cannot trust me to take care of administrative stuff, then it was something else. All in all, I am getting doubtful that he ever intends to get more serious about our relationship, and I think for good reasons.

See, this strategy works very well if you want to keep someone in the ‘proving’ mode. First I needed to ‘prove’ that I was emotionally stable, then I needed to prove that the relationship can work out etc etc. It is like a hurdle race with the finish line moving further and further. And it is working fine as well as a tool to shift responsibility away from yourself…..to the other person. I kept buying into his reasoning, because it all sounded very rational and well made. I kept working on myself in order to finally measure up to the situation. Instead of deciding whether I should have kids with him, I was pushed into having to prove that I was worthy enough to have kids with.
This technique is a slightly different version from someone figuring out apologies and explanations as to why they cannot do something which they actually simply do not want to do.

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2 thoughts on “I will give you (love, commitment) once you….

  1. Sounds like he is living in a future that doesn’t exist. If that is true, he doesn’t love you now. If that is true, he is not worth your time. If that is true, you should cut your losses and accept that you are a wonderful person for someone else who won’t keep dangling carrots in front of you. I know that’s a bit blunt, but I have experience with this as well and I find it infuriating. Is he working on bettering himself in any way, shape, or form? If no, can you see how one-sided this is?

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  2. Thanks for your comment and no, I do not think it is blunt. I can clearly see that this is a rational conclusion to be made from I wrote. Unfortunately our relationship is not so uni-dimensional and this is just one of the patterns at work in our relationship. I am working on this topic right now and having some realizations on the power-dynamics in the relationship. It is gradual, so I will continue my thought process and hopefully come to conclusions step by step. It is good to read your feedback in order to getter greater clarity :).

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