Letting go of people

I suck at letting people go. I cling to them no matter what. Even if I can clearly see that the relationship is doomed, I still hang on.

Dealing with loss is an important lesson in life which everybody should acquire. Unfortunately for me, this lesson has so far remained in a theoretical level. When it comes to accepting the real life loss or furthermore welcoming it as part of a development, I am honestly a natural disaster.

Many people talk about how fear of abandonment stops people from moving on from their obviously dysfunctional relationships. Well, my opinion is that, sometimes fear of loss and  an anticipation of an inevitable pain is much stronger factor.

I have experienced so much loss in my life that I have tried to avoid it my whole grownup life. Not really successfully though. I have, unfortunately, created situations where I had to endure a lot of loss due to never fully engaging in my relationships. Part of me was always afraid of reliving my original pain and kept my space in my partnerships. Unfortunately such an attitude is bound to create more loss.

The problem is- it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do not trust people to stay with you and react strongly to all the signs which indicate to even slight possibility that this might be the case. People sense your distance, your insecurities in them etc and they in fact do lose their confidence in the relationship. Sometimes you, yourself, lose the confidence before and start avoiding showing up in the relationships as a defense method.

When I broke up with my ex, it took me ages to come to terms with the pain and the knowledge that this person is dead for me. Years after our breakup I would see my ex in my dreams, I would refuse to let go. Letting go of my ex seemed equal to having let go of all the close people in my childhood- my mother, my father, my grandfather, my grandmother, my nanny, my best friend……everyone.

I have no idea if it is possible to ever become good in letting go. Furthermore, I am not sure if because of my fear of loss, I am not choosing instable people who I cannot fully commit to, to begin with.

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