An example of how abadonment fear works in the relationship

Me and Marc had a long-distance relationship. During our last meeting we were supposed to spend together four weeks. After having spent one week together with Marc, I started to become increasingly anxious. I was constantly trying to preform, proving to him that I was a good girlfriend. I was dreading that he would understand that I was no good and would leave me as a result (exactly understand, because I was convinced he was much better than I was). However, constant pressure to preform was starting to get the best of me. I was getting increasingly tired.

Marc, on the other hand, was getting more and more annoyed. He found fault in every behavior of mine. I was constantly scared of the other shoe to drop. Finally he is discovering that I am no good…….Becoming increasingly anxious, I tried to seek reaffirmation from Marc, asking questions such as- Am I beautiful. Unfortunately Marc did not take the bait and only told me that he did not find me beautiful, but that I was OK looking. My anxiety was increasing…..

I was all alone in foreign country having to take Marc’s constant negative feedback. I felt so alone. I felt like everything that me and Marc had shared was disappearing. I made more mistakes…. Marc did not yell, but it seemed to me that he was just preparing to leave me (typical sign of abandonment fear). I became increasingly withdrawn, escaping to my own imaginary world. There, at least, I could feel safe…

In the end of my stay I felt very lonely and anxious. I was sure Marc is going to leave me anyways or even if he is not going to leave me, he has already rejected me. I had no trust left in him. The nice things he did for me during my stay somehow vanished, because they were nothing compared to the ambivalence of our relationship. I felt immensely insecure- I had no idea what his plans with me were. In the end, I just wanted out…I did not want to be so scared anymore. I just wanted to escape being controlled by his decisions on the relationship. I wanted to become my own person again, I did not want to depend on his judgement of me.

The relationship with Marc is just one example of my abandonment fear in action. The pattern seems to be quite consistent- you start becoming close to someone and then they do something which will trigger your abandonment fear. You start to look for signs everywhere. Surely, you have no trouble finding them. You are convinced that the relationship is doomed and the other party is going to leave you anyways. So you withdraw. You prepare yourself for the exit, because it is safer. You feel that this is the only way to control crappy situation….


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