Once people get to know me they abandon me

One of the main reasons for my commitment phobia is the fear of abandonment. I am terrified of doing something wrong and I am certain that I will make a mistake which will then push people to leave me.

One anecdotal story- I am organizing a sports event every second week. Every time I see someone is not coming, I assume that it is because they personally do not like me. It feels like my childhood abandonment once again.

On the level of my actions, one way to deal with this fear is by rejecting others first or not even letting them close enough. If they are not close enough, abandonment hurts less. I will still be less dependent on them. However, once I get dependent on them and they still abandon me- it is going to be horrible.

One should note that I always assume that abandonment (people not calling me etc) is my fault. It is the evaluation of me by these people. They have all the control- I am supposed to just be likable and maybe then they will not abandon me.

Once I start anticipating abandonment or rejection, I also become either angry or closed off. I either make sarcastic jokes or find in my mind several reasons why this person was no good in any case. Reject other before they reject you.

I have been in the dark about this fear and the ways it impacts my behaviors for too long. Now it is time to address it both in conscious and unconscious level.

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