Looking for a knight in shining armor- think again

I think one of the main problems for me and lets face it for some other women who have been through some form of abuse is the fact they hope that one person in their life will solve most of their problems. I will from thereon speak about myself as to not offend someone else.

Even though I have always been a high-achiever, I needed a man to make me feel safe and emotionally stable. I have struggled with depression throughout my life and I was hoping that finding this one and special guy would finally help me to overcome this issue. Additionally anxiety has been my constant companion and part of me wished that there would be a man- stable enough to also make this issue a history.

I did find remedy for my issues in the form of different boyfriends, but never to all my issues simultaneously. I would have a guy who was stable, but emotionally closed or a guy who was loving, but financially instable etc. Apart from the fact that finding such a guy who would help to turn your otherwise lonely and instable life around is highly unlikely, there is another problem which I have faced in my life.

I was dependent on these guys. This means, I could not leave. I could not have my own personal voice when discussing relationship issues, because I was too afraid to create the waves. What if they would leave me and then I would be all alone, helpless and hopeless again?

This is actually where I am trying to get to. Yes, you can meet your personal knight in shining armor who would save you, but be vary that, then you are exactly that- someone who is saved and hence also helpless and powerless. Do you want to put yourself to this position?

I really struggled with breaking up with my ex even after my ex had told me that he is not sure if he has ever loved me. For the name of security I could have also stayed with him….Maybe love is not the most important thing as long as he makes me feel secure…..The point if he loved me or not is unimportant. The fact is, he spelled it out and I reacted to a degree needy. What I communicated to him was- you can treat me however you want, I will stay, because I am too scared to leave.

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