Throughout my relationship with my partner I have had a nagging sense that something is wrong. I could never put my finger on it, because my family of origin is not exactly known for sanity. In fact, coming from this background makes it extremely difficult to make any relationship related decisions, because you have no idea what constitutes a healthy and supportive behavior.
I have a sense that I am finally cracking out what is wrong with our relationship from his side (note that this is not say that there is nothing wrong with my behavior). For more than four years I have tried to resolve our issues, find solutions for our frequent problems. As normal for someone who has been scapegoated, I assumed the main responsibility for our conflicts. My boyfriend was used to putting our arguments off as my problems. The usual pattern that was established was me going and changing myself after the arguments to eliminate my problem which caused the argument.
Something started to shift in this spring when I dared to tell him that maybe he should consider changing his behavior instead- the argument started with him complaining about my behavior. At this point it seemed outrageous to me and I felt immensely guilty for my remark. However, the next month saw me becoming more and more convinced that the problem was not anymore in me and he was using me as a convenient excuse for hiding away from his problems.
After yet another argument, I am left confused once again. It is not even important what the issue is, it seems to me that my partner just does not hear me. He is so busy telling me how I am to be blamed for the existence of the problem and how everything can be solved by me changing my behavior once again that whatever reservations I have about his behavior become unimportant. It is a little bit like you are going crazy- you are wondering why do I feel so bad after these arguments? Why do I feel ran over? Why do I feel they do not get solved? I think they do not get solved because my concerns are never addressed. Instead I hear often how it is my job to go and fix myself in therapy.