Alone in the world

There have been many times in my life when I have felt completely alone. I felt alone when I was sent to live with my grandparents to the totally different town and had to face bullying in my kindergarten. I felt alone when I had to manage all by myself in a foreign country with a sick mother (I was four and we did take a nanny). I felt alone when I was left to take care of home for weeks at the age of twelve while my mother was away (no- nobody game to check in on me while she was away). These are just some of the few cases when I felt that the world was unsafe and I had no one to depend on.

I have recently tried to tap on my anxiety and my feeling that the world is an unsafe place. I have to say that given my experiences, I totally get it. In fact, I was helpless in many of these and other situations. I was helpless because the grownups in my life did not bother to think about me. My mother seems to for all intense and purposes have very little idea on what kind of environment a child needs and what is an age appropriate behavior.

In my case I was taking the bus to the town when I was five years old. I was left at home for long days when I was six. I had to fend my own food most of the time. I guess the combination of everyday instances as well as the more interruptive experiences made me feel that no one was ever going to be there for me. And I behaved accordingly. Throughout my childhood  I did not share much with my mother. She found out about my school bullying years later at the point that it had gone so bad that I could not keep a straight face at home anymore. She found out about my first boyfriend after I had broken up with him (two years later). There are numerous traumatic and less traumatic experiences my mother has no idea about. Moreover, there are numerous traumatic experiences that my mother has directly caused me.

It will probably take still some years for me until I learn to trust someone enough. Until I can finally relax into the relationship and not feel that in the end I am still all alone. That whoever I am together with is probably not safe enough.

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2 thoughts on “Alone in the world

  1. Facing battles on your own since childhood. I can’t imagine how much strength you have gained since then. You are a strong, remember that. You are here through it all.

    Like

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