On escaping and changes

I have started again quite many times in my life. I have moved to other countries, I have started new relationships. Part of it has been just escaping. I was escaping from continuity. I was escaping from people who knew my faults, hoping that I could wipe out my past. Somehow, in the place and in the new relationship I would become a different person. Who knows, maybe I would even be more fine with myself then. I have let down some people, I have not been a good partner neither a friend. Nor have I been good to myself.

It seems that the only thing constant in my life is change. I feel the familiar urge to start again, to leave everything behind. This time I am not sure it is only my wish to escape familiarity and constraints. It feels more like…well cleansing. I am waking up to the things that I really want in my life. I am waking up to the fact that I am headed to the future I have never wanted for myself.

For last four years I dedicated my life to therapy and changing myself. I knew there was something wrong with me. Meeting my current boyfriend showed me exactly how much. Relationship with him has been such a life changing lesson. I can finally accept love and intimacy. However, there is this weird feeling in me that our paths might just separate soon.

I have played with the idea of breakup for years now. I never knew if it had something to do with my commitment fear or the concrete relationship. Now, it seems to me, that this relationship has allowed me to conveniently stay in my fears and not be pressed to commitment. My boyfriend has been quite ambivalent about commitment himself. I am struggling to still find out what his position is and it seems that he is not quite sure of it himself. His positions seem to be shifting on a monthly basis and I am feeling more and more like letting go. There is a wish inside of me to have something fixed. To have the fucking suburban dream I once loathed. To have financial security, job security- all the security possible. I am just not so sure that this is something my boyfriend wants nor that I can ever have this with him. He seems to be different kind. The kind that does not plan. The kind that gets overwhelmed by too many responsibilities. The kind that would drive best if he gets to do what he likes. The one that would just slowly die in suburban dream environment.

It is nevertheless difficult to let go of someone with whom you have shared so much, but with whom your future visions do not necessarily fit. I am not ready to let go yet, but I know that time is my enemy here.


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