Commitment fear and parenting

My mother has a commitment fear. Similar to the one that I have been struggling with my whole life. It is like a hereditary disease. I would suggest that it is a rare case when our commitment phobic parents will not pass it on to us kids.

I understand my mother. I understand the wish to escape from expectations and responsibility. I understand that when your kid is sick, the only thing you want to do is to run to your work. This is where you feel safe. No demands of other person can overwhelm you.

I also understand all the strategies you use in order to manage the closeness of other people. You do not want them too close. They are dangerous. You are used to people being dangerous so you assume that it is better to keep them at distance. So when they come too close, you blew up.

The problem is in how it looks to a kid. Every time the kid tries to come close to mommy, she gets pushed away. After having spent some quality time with mommy, mommy gets too anxious to handle the closeness, so she yells at the kid. Mommy protests with little things such as refusing to be available via phone……or insisting that you never go to her room in the morning. Or insisting that you will not have common meals. There are thousands of ways…

For a kid it looks like the world is an unsafe place. It looks like you can never trust anyone, because you can never predict their next action. It looks like you have to be constantly alert.

This is my life.


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