When googling, I come across many issues- such as the feeling of being unloved, abandonment fear, fear of rejection etc, but I find it more difficult to find something on the feeling of being all alone. See, it is not exactly fear, it is the mix of hopelessness and pain. As I am getting deeper and deeper to my issues, I am discovering how much pain there is around loss in my life.
I have lost most people who once were in my life. Moving took away some good people, breaking up with my ex took away him and fallout with my best friend took away her. However, this is not really were it starts. It starts from my early childhood. During my first years of my life I lost pretty much everybody who was ever important to me. I lost my grandparents, with whom I was living for a while. I lost my nanny with whom I was also living. I lost my mother when she decided to move away. I lost her again when she was taken away with illness and had to stay in the hospital while I was left with the care of strangers. Finally, I lost my mother’s boyfriend and I lost my dad (whom I never even really had).
Apparently I have not yet processed all this and it is very difficult to push myself through all the pain. It is just the feeling of hopelessness about- no matter how much I fight, nobody in my life seems to be there to stay. Nobody. As I am contemplating over ending my relationship (the only close person in my life right now), all the old pain surfaces. I sometimes feel so powerless and drained of energy that I really do not even have any motivation to create any new relationships. I know I have to push myself through everything, but sometimes I just get the feeling that life is punishing me for something. I am swimming and swimming and all the while I seem to sink deeper and deeper. I really hope that these are my feelings of loss talking here and that this is just part of therapy.