The ‘advice’ from abandoment fear

It is only recently that I have discovered how my fear of abandonment has basically controlled my whole love life. It has always been there like a secret companion giving……well, not so useful advice. SO what is the advice that my abandonment fear has given to me?

No, do not break up with this guy. Surely no one will want you after that.

Yes, you must start a relationship with this ‘Alex’ even if you do not particularly fancy him, what happens if no one wants you after him?

They let you down once, so there is no reason to trust them after that.

This flirt with this other girl means that they would rather be together with her.

If he does not know from the beginning that he wants to marry with you, then better not to invest to this relationship.

I need to impress him, because well, otherwise he will leave me.

I have made so many mistakes, so by this point he must have realized what a horrible partner I am, so it is better to break up with him myself. He will be doing this in no time anyways.

This hard to get and instable guy seems to be the best choice, because this thrill and insecurity I feel must mean that I love him soooo much.

If I work with myself and become the best, most beautiful etc woman, then there will be somebody who wants me in the end, right?

You just have to work harder in this very challenging relationship. Maybe he will appreciate you in the end.

I am not sure how many people can relate to these pieces of advice, but I am pretty sure, I must not be the only one who has ever experienced such things. The problem is, the advice seems completely sound unless you really analyze your fear. For me, it seemed for years and years that I was ‘doing the right thing’, meaning behaving in a way like everyone else would in similar situations.

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