I used to love children books, especially the ones that were describing happy families, close knit communities etc. I could get lost in them, imagine myself in a totally different world. Couple of last days I have read some very inspirational stories about people’s childhoods and the love of their mother’s. It is funny, but I think I can finally feel it. I can imagine how it must have felt like and how it could be to be loved and supported at home. Even if I never experienced it. I somehow know.
Maybe it is a sign of development? That I now can imagine what it might feel like to be loved? Maybe because I am starting to love myself? It is funny though, because together with this feeling I have also reached the non blaming mindset concerning my past. It has been a habit of mine to blame myself for all the failed relationships, for all the places I thought I should be, but am not- for everything that has potentially gone wrong in my life. I am naturally very hard on myself.
I am finally starting to realize how in fact, I almost did not have a choice. When I compare my current mentality with the one I had four years ago, I know that I had very little chance to make my previous relationships work. I simply did not believe anyone could love me. I thought that I had to convince everybody to like me and probably even despite my efforts they never would. I felt loveless and unworthy of having supportive relationships.
It is funny, because I am the same person today that I was four years ago (well naturally psychologically I have changed), but the fact is that I can feel so different about myself. I have the same appearance and today I consider myself beautiful, whereas four years ago I could not even look to the mirror without the shame conquering all my being. So in fact, it is possible to love yourself, no matter how you are. I think my example is the prime proof for this.
Even though I feel somewhat sad for all the years that I spent feeling unwated and loathing myself, I can also appreciate way more my growing self-esteem. It feels a little bit like you are learning to walk again after years of being bed-bound due to serious illness. You are not particularly good at this yet, but you can appreciate walking in itself.