My mother was a bully

And so are several other people in my life. It makes me extremely sad to say this, but I am now noticing how critical several close people of mine are to others. They put others down, talk behind their back and in general make demeaning comments. Naturally they also make demeaning comments towards people they interact with. It makes me so sad that I have kept myself in company of such people for so long.

I was blind. Perhaps I was a bully myself. Perhaps I too wanted to compensate for my low self-esteem by trash talking about other people. Avoid intimacy by make crude jokes on them. Just to, you know, appear in control. Stop feeling vulnerable and not in any case show this. After all, what goes around us is usually a reflection of us.

There are several reasons why I am so sad. First I am sad, because I have to cut out some more people from my life and this is never an easy task. Second, I am sad, because I have let myself been treated shitty for so many years. I have allowed people to step on me, put me down, make mean jokes all of it. Now that I am waking up to this, I just feel this emptiness- it is as if you are suddenly waking up to truth which just hurts. It hurts thinking how people have treated me. It hurts thinking about how my parents have treated me. In general, I can just in all its wholeness sense the pain that has always been there- the pain of being disregarded and unvalued. Third, this realization hurts because I always assumed that somehow I made my parents and others treat me like this. Like I was at fault. Maybe my father had a reason to never acknowledge me and maybe my mother had a reason to kick me out regularly. Now I am understanding that actually I did nothing wrong. Nothing that a small child does can cause her to be kicked out and disowned. So funnily in the process of freeing myself from excess responsibility I am mourning the image I had of several people in my life. As I notice that their behavior is in fact not my fault, it really hurts me to see that they choose such a behavior. Rather than working on themselves, they choose to treat people badly.

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