I often times feel unsafe in the world. I am scared that people are against me and that something horrible is going to happen. I am scared that my partner will let me down (he has let me down numerous times already) and I am afraid that I will have no one to turn to.
The problem with these feelings of unsafety is that you see yourself as being in the trap. You cannot leave your unreliable partner, because then you would be completely alone. You cannot rely on your own strength and you cannot produce safety for yourself. On the other hand, having an unreliable partner might, instead of helping you, to further push you over the line.
These are the feelings I am lately struggling with as I am trying to deal with his financial instability and my life’s general ambivalence. I am trying to find the source of security the same manner as I used to try to find the source of lasting love and it is nowhere to be found.
In an ideal case, I would of course feel secure myself. I could depend on myself to provide all these things to myself. I am not so sure how likely this scenario is nevertheless, because it seems that very few of us can cope alone.
So instead, I end up trying to hold on to few close people I have. I am trying to sustain relationships, which might as well be already dead. However, I am too afraid to let go and be faced with having absolutely no one close to me. I was scared to let go of my best friend and the same manner I am scared to let go of my partner even though I see more and more problems in our relationship.
Life just feels scary enough with support network, not to mention without.